Strange feeling

[Hillary]

I'm 16 years old, and I don't really know where to begin.
Earlier this year I visited a psychiatrist because I was feeling so strange. I had been dealing with it for a long while before that, and when I went to see him it was basically a breaking point.
To sum it up I have these horrible feelings to hurt people (though I don't act on it) but I see the images, it's sort of like a day dream to me. I've grown very used to them to the point where I find them normal everyday. I hate it though. I have headaches all of the time. I try telling my mom about them and she's taken me to the eye doctor because that's what she though was causing my headaches, but my eye doctor told me that my vision was perfect and that I really should see someone else about it. Then a while later I went to the psychiatrist where he told me that he thought it may be a form of OCD, but my mom didn't think so and never sent me back.
I have a lot of ups and downs. I'll be happy with certain people, and then during school I'll become so indifferent about things and feel down all day. Then other times I'll be fine, and then I'll feel like just bawling my eyes out. It frustrates me.
I always think and worry that people will be and are angry with me even when they've no reason to be. My relationships have been close to the edge quite a few times, and are even now. My mom has even told other members of my family she believes I'm depressed.
Sometimes I literally feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I get this tingling sensation up my spine and feel that I could lash out at just about anyone. I have a tendency to make myself believe no one could ever possibly understand me and my thoughts because I think such odd things, and my mind is running non-stop and I'm constantly exhausted. I also have been told that my speech gets hard to follow sometimes. When I'm talking with a friend I start stuttering and can't get many words out without having to stop, think, and then say it once more.
I'm an extremely passive person as well, but I just don't know how much longer this fuse in me will last. I feel edgier every day that passes. It's torment to me. I want to live a normal life. I just don't know how.

I would appreciate any opinions. This is a wonderful site to have found.
Thank you.

Hillary

[Purple98Lady]

:)Hi Hillary,

First I hope you are feeling better. As a teenager your emotions in general are usually scattered everywhere esp. at 16. What I was attracted to was the point you made of feeling to hurt someone even though you don't act on it. I have questions like can you go back to the psychiatrist to discuss your feelings/ how is your home life? i hope you have someone you can talk to and trust with your feelings. Talk to your Mom perhaps about making another appointment with the dr.
A trained professional can guide you the correct path to answers. Good wishes to you Hillary

[Hillary]

Hi Purple Lady.

Thank you, and it's bearable at this point in time but definitely not 100 percent.
I understand, you're right. I am young yet. To answer your questions though - I have tried talking to my mom about taking me back to the doctor but it's to the point where I want to give up and just wait until I can take myself because everytime I try with her she just shrugs it off and says there is nothing wrong. She just doesn't want to see it. I guess I can understand her view as a mother, but I can't even talk to her anymore because of it. Even a school counselor has tried with her.
My home life right now isn't the best but I can live with it. My earlier childhood was good, and I was always a shy and very quiet child. School is what kills me the most right now though. Everyone seems to irritate me (even the friends that I do have) Honestly, I don't like much of anyone at my school. It's a horrible thing to say I suppose but I don't want to lie. I miss my hometown more and more each day. (I've lived where I am now for about 7 years) I'm so incredibly stressed but at this point in time there is no way out of it for me so I've begun learning to deal with it.
I hope sometime soon I can schedule an appointment.

Thank you again for the reply and wishes.

Much appreciaton,

Hillary




:)Hi Hillary,

First I hope you are feeling better. As a teenager your emotions in general are usually scattered everywhere esp. at 16. What I was attracted to was the point you made of feeling to hurt someone even though you don't act on it. I have questions like can you go back to the psychiatrist to discuss your feelings/ how is your home life? i hope you have someone you can talk to and trust with your feelings. Talk to your Mom perhaps about making another appointment with the dr.
A trained professional can guide you the correct path to answers. Good wishes to you Hillary

[Purple98Lady]

:)Hi Hillary

It's me again and I was glad to read your post. I would be interested in knowing what things you enjoy doing, hobbies, music etc., friends? I personally find it helpful to do things that bring me happiness and satisfaction or just plain busy my mind and free it completely when I'm troubled.
You said your earlier childhood was happy. You moved 7 years ago and it sounds as if since then things have changed. Do you have friends in your hometown or other family you can talk to or write to? Would be nice to keep in touch.
I am sorry your mom won't talk about your concerns with you and with your school counsler. I do hope you can continue talking with the school counsler on your own. It must be very irritating at times when you have no one who will listen and feeling angry and pushing others away is also a form of punishment.
Please try talking to your mom again, dont give up and for yourself do things that bring you enjoyment and allow one person to be your friend at school, more will come.
Your sound like a very mature 16yr old and a very nice young lady. Always remember you are very important person and believe this yourself!!! :)

keep me posted if you like
purple98lady

[Hillary]

Hi again,

In my spare time my favorite hobby is photography. I do quite a lot of that, and it puts me in better moods. Also drawing, painting and basically anything else art related. (You're right - busying your mind is a good outlet.) I love music. It's a big part of my life as well. I don't play any instruments, but I listen to it and relate. I only have one close friend where I live now. My other friends are in my hometown. That's another part in which makes it harder, them being an hour away from me. But other than that I really like going to the movies or renting them.
My family lives in my hometown. The only family I've got is a 'step-family' and I don't get along very well with them and don't spend time. That's the reason I'm in the town I am, because my mom married. Now it's going down the drain though, and I want to move back home but my mom doesn't want to anymore. I've made it a point to move back as soon as I possibly can.
Thank you very much for the kind words. I really am grateful.

-Hillary


:)Hi Hillary

It's me again and I was glad to read your post. I would be interested in knowing what things you enjoy doing, hobbies, music etc., friends? I personally find it helpful to do things that bring me happiness and satisfaction or just plain busy my mind and free it completely when I'm troubled.
You said your earlier childhood was happy. You moved 7 years ago and it sounds as if since then things have changed. Do you have friends in your hometown or other family you can talk to or write to? Would be nice to keep in touch.
I am sorry your mom won't talk about your concerns with you and with your school counsler. I do hope you can continue talking with the school counsler on your own. It must be very irritating at times when you have no one who will listen and feeling angry and pushing others away is also a form of punishment.
Please try talking to your mom again, dont give up and for yourself do things that bring you enjoyment and allow one person to be your friend at school, more will come.
Your sound like a very mature 16yr old and a very nice young lady. Always remember you are very important person and believe this yourself!!! :)

keep me posted if you like
purple98lady

[Dr. Joshua]

You guys have a great conversation going here. Hillary- I think Purple98Lady is really speaking words of wisdom here -- I can wholeheartedly agree with what she has said.

Let me just contribute something from a medical point of view, since that's what I'm here for.

At this stormy age of 16, a girl is becoming a woman, and the hormones that are responsible for this change are putting your body and soul through a very tumultuous phase. I agree with Purple98Lady that you seem like a very nice and sensible young lady, and you are doing a great job, coping with these issues and the anxiety that often comes with this age. Being a teenager can be really tough -- it's an emotional rollercoaster.

But since you are clearly a mature 16-year old, and capable of analyzing your own circumstances very clearly, perhaps you are right that not all your problems can be explained with age, hormones, displacement from your hometown, and family issues. They may be; and while it's of course really important to talk to your mom and also to a friend of the same age, it won't hurt to talk to a psychiatrist, or a therapist also. Many times it's easier to talk openly to a professional stranger :) Also, a psychiatrist or a therapist deals with this sort of issues on a daily basis, so they have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, and they may be able to untangle some knots that a friend or a family member (or yourself) can't even see.

If these thoughts bother you so much that they make it hard to get through the day, and hard to concentrate on the things you normally do during your day, there might be some underlying problem such as depression or even OCD that would need the attention of a psychiatrist.

I'm definitely with you on your decision to see someone, if just to make sure that you're not missing any opportunity to make the most of your life, and I'm sure you have all it takes to have a beautiful life. Remember that for all these hard times, you'll come out the other end a stronger person.

Aside from the medical issues, on a more personal note, you seem like a very artistic and talented young woman. My sister has always been very artistic, and she was one tough number as a teenager. It seemed like there was nothing anybody could do; she was always scowling, she had this fixed expression of hate on her face 24h a day. She and our mom had huge fights every day, and it looked like she would never fit in. But time passed, and she went on to become a playwright and an actor-- and ended up the happy mother of 2 little children.

I think it's the artistic and talented young people that seem to have the toughest of times when they're teenagers. I was always a pretty boring teenager- nobody seemed to notice that I was a teenager at all, I was just my regular self. Maybe we doctors are like that - a bit dull, but generally reliable :)

Hang in there, Hillary, and please keep in touch on the forum here!

[Purple98Lady]

:) Hi Hillary

Hope you had a better day today. Wow drawing and painting your very artistic. What nice hobbies. I have always enjoyed music all kinds, music touches your soul. Music therapy I call it. I seem to have music where ever I go. However I can't even draw stick people ! :P
You know I was subject to step-family situations in my youth. At 16 I can remember thinking no one knows how I feel and I certianly didn't think my mom knew anything at this age. She was a loving mom in her own way, but had her own problems too with life and marriages. I was fortunate though I had two great people, my grandparents who taught me many valuable lessons in life. One being unconditional love and they had no problem showing it. I think children all need unconditional love, hence my children and grandchildren get my love, whether they scowl or bark or howl I keep on loving.
With love and supportive people you can make the best of sometimes uncertain situations and come through with a strong intact character/ self esteem which you seem to have.
For the medical part Dr. Joshua's advice is strongly encouraged, after all hes the Dr. here and I'm very grateful for his imput and his web forum.

Smile Miss Hillary your a wonderful young lady. ;D

Right now I'm in the mood for the music of Yanni lol
Until next time and I hope there is, take care of yourself, your mind, body and soul and keep me posted.

Best Wishes,
Purple98Lady